Turns out it’s metastatic breast cancer.. - Originally written March 29, 2023

 So on March 3 after a ton of imaging tests my oncologist called me to let me know my beast cancer is actually stage 4. Incurable and only treatable. I've been forced into menopause at age 40 and am taking medication to shrink the tumours and lengthen my life.

It's spread to my lungs, bones, lymph nodes (including underarms) and a small tumour on one of my adrenal glands. We won't know if the medication is working for sure for a while longer yet. However, I was getting a sensation of painful breast zaps in the breast that has the cancer...and within just a couple days of starting treatment the breast zaps stopped. I'm hoping this is a good sign.

I will admit though, I have been suffering mentally from this. In my mind I flash back to movies like Terms of Endearment where a mother has to lose her daughter to cancer and I lose it. My dad had three more children. I'm Mom's only baby. I am scared it will hurt her. I look into my little kitties face and I hurt at the idea of not being there to take care of her. I think of the rest of my family and my friends. To find out such shocking news of not just cancer but TERMINAL cancer has been mind bending. When Mark was dying I wanted to go with him. I felt sick all year and thought it was just stress and grief...and maybe it was. But now I'm looking back and asking myself how I could have missed the 7 cm tumour. My oncologist said sometimes it just hides in the breast tissue but how did I not notice this during a shower or anything?

I read on average cancers double in size every six months. If that's true for me then I had this cancer inside my breast since me and Mark were together. And likely, even before.

To end this off I'm just going to say that I don't know how long my life will be. There are some miracles I've heard of who lived metastatic for twenty years or more. But they are few. The average is four. I'm a little scared but I'm keeping my eyes on Christ through all of this. He gives me strength. And I think about the fact that I will likely see Mark again. But I am so so scared of the process of death. Especially cancer. I could live months or I could live many years...let's see what my Maker has in store.